There once was a boy called Hansel,
He had a beautiful sister named Gretel.
But their father was drunk & dumb,
And their mother squashed bugs with her thumb!
She was always harassing their dad!
All in all, their lives were very sad.
To make matters worse, they were in debt,
So much, their mother sobbed & wept!
Before long, mummy had had enough!
It was time to start acting tough!
Without thinking, she yelled out loud.
‘It’s me or the kids! Get your head out the clouds!’
Daddy was so stunned, he dropped his liquor,
And down to his boots, plunged his ticker.
He got down on his knees & spoke,
‘This time tomorrow, life will no longer be a joke!’
For once mummy was convinced so much,
She did not care what happened as such.
But words can go a long way,
Especially when you don’t think about what you say!
That night, while Hansel & Gretel were in the land of nod,
Daddy thought ‘I’ll dump them & leave them on their tod!’
With that, he took out a sack of potatoes,
And very quietly, standing on tip-toes,
He swiped the kids & dumped them in a forest.
But Hansel heard everything & had hid in his vest,
A bag of Hovis wholemeal bread.
He dumped it in crumbs as his father tread.
The sack was old & holey you see,
And Hansel was good at waking early.
The kids were abandoned under a pine.
Daddy went home thinking, ’Life is so fine,’
‘Without those lousy brats, I am free!’
Now men should always take their wives seriously,
But not when those wives say things without thinking.
Now, mummy just wanted daddy to stop drinking,
But she did not think before she spoke,
And now Hansel & Gretel are lost & alone. No joke!
If that wasn’t bad enough, in the morning,
The birds flew down as the day was dawning,
And in no time at all, the bread crumbs were gone.
The kids were lost & alone without even a bon-bon.
That’s right! No food! No water! No shelter!
This predicament is an absolute belter!
The children woke, ‘Where are we?’ cried Gretel,
‘And where is our trail?’ added Hansel.
So still in their night things & their feet still bare,
Developing blisters, which were very rare,
They trooped through the forest & looked around.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, they found,
A very peculiar little cottage,
With more surprises than a peacock’s plumage!
The whole house was made of confectionery.
The roof was Dairy Milk & the door was a Curly Wurly,
The windows were Kendal Mint Cake!
Hansel & Gretel indulged their tums. Big Mistake!
The house was owned by an awful wench,
Who gave off an extremely foul stench!
The door burst open & there she stood.
Normally, you’d run screaming, anyone would.
Her wart-ridden face was fixed upon the kids,
They tried to run, but she wasn’t stupid,
She took out an enormous fishing net,
‘Run my children, your fate is set!’
Indeed it was, for down came the net & PLOP!
Hansel & Gretel came to a stop.
In no time at all, they were enslaved,
By a wretched old hag who never bathed.
The house was extremely dusty,
And the furniture was old & rusty.
The poor kids had to clean this up,
They were starved & drank from a dirty cup.
Their clothes became old & tatty,
And whenever the wench got ratty,
They were beaten ‘til they spawned a bruise!
The wench was on a very short fuse!
Meanwhile, back at home, their mummy,
Had finally ditched daddy for being a dummy!
This was it, the big wake-up call,
For a man with a brain so small!
‘I’ve got to save my little angels,’
‘Then take them to the beach & collect sea shells!’
He went back to the forest & soon he heard,
A scream so loud, he was lost for words!
He quickly found the chocolate house.
He crept towards it, silent as a mouse.
Inside, things looked bad for Hansel & Gretel,
Their captor took out a pot made of heavy metal.
She was going to cook them for her evening meal!
According to her, they smelled like veal.
The children were bound & bawling,
As the wench filled the pot ready for boiling,
She opened the stove & lit the fire!
Suddenly, with a great sense of ire,
Daddy burst in & fought the wench!
You should have seen his fists clench!
Normally, men should not attack females,
But this lass looked like rotten fish scales!
Besides, this was a man fighting for his offspring,
And it soon became clear that he was winning.
The wench was eventually overpowered,
So much, the wife would’ve yelled, ‘Go Howard!’
With an almighty shove, the wench fell into the pot,
And was shoved onto the stove which was piping hot!
‘Well done, daddy!’ cried Hansel & Gretel as he untied them,
‘Now let’s go home,’ he said, ‘and we’ll tell my Gem,’
‘What a hero I truly am!’
That night, they had a celebratory ham,
Mummy was glad the children were safe,
They had cuts, bruises & scars, having started to chafe,
But they recovered quickly, & there was more good news,
When daddy announced he’d given up the booze!
Consequently, the family saved so much dosh,
They cleared their debts & went all posh,
And mummy & daddy vowed no more harassment!
As for Hansel & Gretel, their story is a lesson to every parent!
Whenever you are having a spat,
Just think about the consequences of that,
And you should never trust the gin,
And always look out for your kin!
Because you never know, they could be in danger,
And always warn them to never trust a stranger!